Space to Breathe: I’m Back and Changed

Exactly one year ago, I posted for what I thought would be the last time on this blog. I was at a crossroads in my life: I had just moved to Chicago, started a new job in an industry that I knew nothing about, and was living on my own for the first time. I was also plagued with spiritual doubts: doubts about who I was, who God wanted me to be, and how to continue living my faith.

I stopped writing. In part this was intentional: I needed space. Space to breathe, space to process, space to figure stuff out with God. In part, it was because I just couldn’t write about these things anymore.

I realize now that during college, when I first started writing here, I had a hard time empathizing with people. To be honest, I was kind of a jackass. Cavalier. Arrogant. It pains me sometimes to think about how unyielding I was. You see, I never had a chance to go through that whole “Who am I?” crisis that most people go through. My freshman year I was pretty sure who I was; my biggest worry was where I fit in. My identity crisis never really happened; at least, if it did, it wasn’t really a time of discovery for me and I barely remember it. So, when I saw students around me questioning and exploring, pushing the limits of their self-understanding and faiths, I didn’t understand: what? You drink underage? Just stop. It’s not hard.

Seriously.

When I got to Chicago, that confidence in my identity was disrupted big time. Big time.

Following an intense two and a half months of struggle, December 13, 2010, marked the first day of my life as an out gay man.

And, my God, it felt good to finally be honest and embrace that part of me. Still does.

The past year, I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs. At the outset, the coming out process wasn’t horribly painful: there were a few friends who were upset or tried to convince me that this was the worst possible decision for my life. But, you know, that’s okay. I spent the first few months figuring out my stance on homosexuality, doing a lot of reading, meeting with pastors, and trying to wrap my head around everything. A few months into that process, however, I found myself face to face with the reality of my journey and, hurt, left the church and wasn’t sure if I was a Christian anymore.

Eight months, a relationship, and countless drunken nights later, I’m back in the church and ready to start thinking about these things again.

I’m working on a series of posts which will discuss what I’ve been learning this year. If you’ve followed my blog previously, you’ll notice several things:

(1) My theology is drastically different, but still profoundly evangelical.
(2) My understanding of Scripture has evolved, I think for the better.
(3) I still sound like an Evangelical.
(4) I’m going to be more honest about my personal life, with reservations, of course.
(5) In that vein, the occasional profanity may find its way onto here. I’m sorry that it bothers you if it does, but I won’t be sorry for their use.

I’m looking forward to putting into words the thoughts that are swirling around in my head about Jesus, Church, and life as a gay Christian, and to hearing feedback. Stay tuned, folks.

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